By Ana Thomas
Have you ever taken an important phone call while your best friends are just five feet away? Your friends always say they want the best for you, but then you begin to question them when they start their antics in the midst of your very professional phone call. Their eyebrows raise as each inflection of your voice turns you into a stranger they’ve never met before. I thought everyone had a right to their own customer service voice? I’ve never worked retail, but I sympathize with the toll it must take to prioritize the concerns of each and every customer. I truly appreciate the workers who make consumers feel like the most important person in the world at all hours of the work day. Genuine or feigned, thank you for your kindness that shapes our daily livelihood.
As each year has passed, I’ve examined my own kindness with increasing scrutiny. I would like to think that my kindness is deeper than a customer service voice. At first I just considered myself a nice person because not only do I intentionally refrain from wishing ill on others, I hope for their success. Then, I began identifying times where I prioritized the needs of others more and more. Sometimes, this came before the needs of my own. My servitude qualities didn’t seem so detrimental at first, they were just a natural instinct of mine. Well, this strength developed into a monster of its own. As my own needs became sacrificed further down my list of priorities, I lost who I was and found myself in the needs of everyone else. I was quick to identify solutions for others’ problems and consistently include myself in that solution. I’ve decided to openly examine the strengths and weaknesses of my empathetic nature, my motives and how I can nurture this part of myself in the healthiest way possible.
In my experience, empathetic people seem to get along with most personalities, but they nobly and naturally gravitate towards people who appear to need help. Whether these individuals ask for it or not, they’ve got our attention. The ability to connect with people is a strength I have that I attribute to my empathy for others.
Empathy is simply listening, holding space, withholding judgement, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘you’re not alone.’
Brene Brown
By Brown’s definition, empathy seems as easy as existing. You don’t have to be a therapist or even a longtime friend, your presence is enough (I’ve read her books and I know she is much more nuanced that this). So, why do I feel this painful streak through my chest each time I either watch someone experience heart wrenching news or suffer a seemingly temporary failure? Empathy doesn’t seem so easy; it feels like a sacrifice of personal sanity at times. It compromises my peace, and yet I don’t know how to operate any other way. This painful streak would have you think that I should protect my unrestrained kindness. I’ve noticed how open I have been about certain aspects of my personal life. This bubbly openness can come across as a weakness; a young woman naively vulnerable to the ill-spirited people of the world. Yes, this has allowed others to stab me in the back and hurt me in the past. But, my will to share my experiences with others is a fire that will not be stomped out by a damp cloth of fear. I will continue to keep my door open and signal to others that I am here to listen. My kindness is my strength.
For the longest time, I would feel guilty and confused as I began wondering if I had selfish motives for my kindness. While I didn’t wish for favors or special treatment in return, I did crave a peaceful conscious. Yes, this is contradictory to my earlier notion that empathy can be a rather turbulent experience for me, yet I know it cannot be avoided, it must be passed through. This thought filled with guilt was followed by two reflections. First, if others’ good fortune came with the condition that I was the source of it, then did I truly want good for others or was I selfishly embedding my own interests within their healing to appease my conscience? This reflection remains continuous with each scenario. Second, I needed to loosen my thoughts on selfishness.
Many people have told me that I need to be more selfish. I often wondered if they knew that their advice would come at an expense to them as well. Did they believe they would be the exception to my selfishness? The ones with pure intentions didn’t. I’ve explored what a healthy balance of selfishness looks like and I’ve determined it is meant to protect me without having a complete disregard for others. I tend to take on the pain and battles of others in very personal ways, which weighs heavily on me. This is not at the request of the recipient, but in response to this imaginary obligation of mine. Thus leading me to question if my good intentions were my selfish way of indirectly easing the pain and worry that my empath nature led me to experience.
My answer to this is: I matter too. My pain matters too. I don’t have the capacity to shoulder every burden I see, so it’s okay to put it down the best way I know how. If the concern for the good fortune of others is a byproduct of my craving for a peaceful conscious, then I’ll settle with being a little selfish. By this I mean I will sit and listen so that they don’t feel alone.
This cyclic thought process of determining the nobility of my kindness has driven me a little crazy, and sometimes I question why it matters. Truly, I just don’t want others to feel alone. From a young age, I had this crazy notion that I could change the world. I figured I would just figure out how along the way and when I was an adult I would be mission ready. Well, now I’m an adult and I’m still not even close to ready. In fact, I think I clearly underestimated the tragedies of the world. But, I won’t be a hypocrite. I promise to be bold in my mission to bring as much light as I can to this world; I just know that I can’t do it alone. So many great leaders have paved the way, and I know more greatness will follow. This is the legendary group of people I choose to be a part of. We can’t read this next quote enough…..
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate only love can do that.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Dr. King is telling me that light and love are key. My point here isn’t to portray my kindness as if I were a saint. I know that I am not close to perfect. I am seeking to understand myself and my kindness because flowers don’t grow without the right soil and fertilizer. I need to know how to nurture myself so that I can continue to grow and I encourage each of you to do the same. I’d like to bring some light and love to your life, some sunshine soul to your garden.
How do I protect myself and inspire others at the same time?
THE HONEY WHINES 