I stumbled across this book in Target during my weekend shopping run and as soon as I read the title, I wondered how much I would relate to it as a biracial woman. I was hesitant to pick it up because I understand that my lighter complexion shields me from some of the hardships and perhaps the exhaustion that other black women face. However, after finishing this book I was surprised to find out how much I resonated with her story.

Author Jayne Allen’s goal for this book was to spark awareness of the overlooked struggles of black women, but more importantly to highlight the underappreciated elegance of black women. She explains that her favorite part was taking the time to “explore the inner worlds of everyday people to find the incredible textures that make us unique and beautiful… and highlight the internal superhero that we don’t give ourselves enough credit for” (African American Literature Book Club, AALBC). I loved the nuances of this read! She most definitely portrayed this superwoman in all her female characters! Jayne’s writing was thorough, yet subtle in the perfect way to engage her audience and more importantly bring relatability and awareness to her readers. Jayne emphasizes that her hope for this book is “to become an ever-evolving collaboration of culture, community, fellowship, healing and imperative conversations that we’re all just beginning to learn how to hold space for” (AALBC).

Jayne Allen explores the ordinary life of her main character, Tabitha Walker (Tabby). A black woman in her early-30s living in Los Angeles with a career as a reporter for the local news channel, KVTV. The book showcases her “well thought out” life turning out to be not as perfect as she expected. From her job, to her relationships, friendships, down to the curls on her head, her perfectly manicured life unravels when unexpected life circumstances happen. A particular challenge of Tabby’s that I resonated with was her struggle to work her way up the ranks in her job as the only minority female in her workplace. With her unique intersectionality as a black woman, she feels like she has to work 100 times harder just to be seen and respected in the same way as her white male counterpart, Scott Stone. The personality of Scott Stone is one that I am personally familiar with. He was quick to speak and immediate to talk over Tabby. He was constantly handed the top stories to cover without putting forth much effort. The experiences Tabby has in her workplace, I can relate to, especially being a woman in the military, a male-dominated organization. Taking it one step further, not only am I a woman, but being in the Military Police service, I also face the challenge of being the only black woman officer in my organization. Both factors come with their own unique set of exhausting struggles. Similar to Tabby, I have lived the daily hardships of not being heard, seen or taken seriously in the workplace and with the challenge of being placed below your peers as a default (unconsciously or consciously) just due to my complexion. Silenced and interrupted in meetings. Enduring the subtle microaggressions of sex and race within every conversation and interaction daily. It’s both difficult and exhausting. 

However, what I love about this book is that Tabby faces every challenge with grace and composure, including her biggest personal struggles with infertility, finding a romantic partner, maintaining her friendships, family dynamics, commitments to her family (and lack of), down to maintaining her natural hair in a world that deems hair other than straight and tamed as unprofessional. In the beginning of this story, Tabby faces everything with determination and strength. Tabby is everything everyone expects her to be and more… until she is not. Her poise was admirable, but as the book progresses, her life in every aspect spirals out of her control along with her patience and composure (rightfully so). By the end of the book, Tabby’s life was not what she imagined it would turn into. With life’s ups and downs, she shifted from a woman that was stoic, agreeable, and perfect to being a woman of patience, vulnerability, and authenticity… emotions that we are all hesitant to show. Reading this book, Tabby gives us the permission to live authentic in this same way. Tabby shows us that being perfect is exhausting and allowing yourself to be imperfect is beautiful and inspiring.     

This book is incredibly relatable even if you are not a black woman because we all try to be that perfect person. That perfect person in every relationship and interaction we have. The perfect friend, perfect employee, perfect child, perfect partner, perfect person, but we all come to find that perfection is unattainable and “faking it till you make it” is unsustainable when it’s inauthentic to who we are. At a certain point we are all pushed to our limits and forced to face reality, forced to see the world and our struggles for what they really are and in turn we grown and we begin to navigate the world in a different way.

After finishing BGMDE, I have realized in my own life that I can no longer move through this world how I thought I could. I can no longer be blind to my privileges or challenges. I can no longer be oblivious to how the world views me. A mentor of mine recently told me that “you can no longer keep moving through this life like you are an ordinary person”. He told me that my skin color, my gender and my appearance in the Military is anything but ordinary and I should stop carrying myself in that fashion. I am who I am and I can’t change this. I can’t change how people see me, treat me or react to me, but what I can change is how I speak, how I act and how I carry myself. He explained to me that I have to hold myself to a much higher standard and exude greater confidence than what I am familiar with. I realized that I can’t keep shrinking myself for the sake of others and I must allow myself to take up space. Simply said, I can no longer wish away the reality of what it means to be a beautiful biracial woman in the Military. I think that Tabby went through a similar realization for how she uniquely fits into her own life. Towards the end of the book, she recognized that she went her whole young adult life pretending to be okay, pretending to be perfectly put together all the time because that’s how she felt she must act to survive in a world that focuses on the imperfections and shortcomings of black women. Black people. Women. At the end of the day, it’s okay to be tired and exhausted. It’s what makes us human. But bottling up this pain will only hurt us in the end and being inauthentic to yourself will morph you into someone you will no longer recognize.   

My biggest take away from this read is that yes, the title of this book holds true, and as a biracial woman, only carrying half the burdens of a black woman, I can say I already feel exhausted, and I am only 25. Black women do die exhausted. Exhausted fighting for the right to take up space in a world that looks down on them. In a world that puts them at the bottom of the ladder with no advantage. In a world where black women are scrutinized in every situation they are in, no matter how successful, how talented, how knowledgeable, or how hard working they are. But that’s the truth right? It’s difficult and unfair, but maybe that’s what makes black women so extraordinary. Able to hold all these burdens and still walk with beauty, grace, and confidence. It’s a true reflection of our strength, our power. It’s a burden, an exhaustion that we wish wasn’t our reality, but it makes us that much more valuable, beautiful, and divine.

Thank you, Jayne Allen, for highlighting the nuances and beauty of the black woman experience! I’m excited to continue reading Tabby’s journey in the next two books in this series!

~Alexandria Bullen   

Let me know what you think of this book or my review on it! Don’t be afraid to ask questions, share your story, your struggles or how much you relate to this topic! Fulfilling Jayne Allen hopes and the HW platform, let’s continue this conversation!