By Alexandria Bullen

Ever since I was a little girl my hair has always been my biggest struggle and insecurity. Growing up with a white mom with wavy/straight hair, she did the best she could with the knowledge she had. But as I grew older and the social pressures of fitting in became more apparent, the ease of waking up without a care in the world vanished as I entered a period of my life where my hair became more of a concern in my daily life. I began to feel self-conscious about my hair. Wanting it to look better but not knowing how to deal with it. Wanting the process of doing my hair every day to be easier. I always envied my white friends with straight hair. Able to get up in the morning and their hair look the same as it did when they laid their head down. Able to quickly run a brush through it dry and get on with their day. But not my hair. It was a whole process of dunking it in the sink or taking a whole shower just to get it wet, put product in it and comb it out, oh yes the combing… hours of combing.

I remember a couple times at sleepovers when I had to do my hair in the morning because it became one big mat of hair overnight. Sleepovers for some inconvenient reason were my worst hair days, sometimes not even a bun could hide the mess of my hair. So there I was in my friend’s bathroom dunking my head in the sink, using whatever random concoction of conditioners they had in their tub, brushing my hair out with my fingers and then putting it in a tight bun just to make myself look more presentable. Mind you, I couldn’t spend hours on my hair like I normally did because I wasn’t in my own home, it had to be a quick process, in and out in under 10 minutes. I was always shy and humiliated about the process I had to go through with my hair. The process of dunking my hair in the sink always seemed very unusual to my white friends. So, I did this as quickly as possible to not cause a spectacle. I remember feeling so different and embarrassed being questioned why I can’t just brush it dry… or even worse my friends attempting to comb it out dry. Even now as an adult I still run into situations where I don’t have my usual products with me. This one time while staying at my boyfriend’s parents’ house, we had to share one bathroom amongst 9 people. I tried being as quick as I could in the shower, but not quick enough. I was in the shower trying to comb out my hair with my fingers using my boyfriend’s sister’s noncurly conditioner brand. Long story short, I used up all the hot water for anyone else to shower. I was so embarrassed, but this is not a new feeling. I’ve felt this way all my life. Embarrassed about how time consuming my hair has always been. How particular my curls are to different products, different water types, humidity… everything. My hair has never been an easy task, but this feeling of self-consciousness also arises from not being surrounded by people who understand the challenges of having curly hair.

For most of my childhood, the shame I felt about my mess of hair and not knowing how to take care of it made me feel like the only option I had was to hide it in a frizzy bun on top of my head… out of sight and out of reach. Looking in the mirror I would hate my curls. Always frizzy and dry. Sometimes when I would wear my hair down, people would make comments like my big hair was blocking them from seeing the board in class. My hair always felt like a nuisance… to me and everyone else. No matter how much leave-in conditioner (TRESemme) I lathered in my hair, my curls would still end up frizzy and undefined. I didn’t understand this because the conditioner label literally said, “moisture rich” and “luxurious moisture” all over the frontside of the bottle. Why would the conditioner lie? So, I figured my hair was the best it would ever get. So there I was continuing to use a leave-in conditioner that did nothing for my curls. And you can forget the gels and curl creams, I couldn’t even get my conditioner to work… the most basic step. So TRESemme became the one and only product I put in my hair along with the various random shampoos my mom used for her specific textured hair. I remember all the shampoos in our shower were labeled specially for fine, thin, colored hair. Did I still use it, yes. At that period of not knowing my hair, I figured conditioner was far more important than the shampoo I used and besides at that age I only washed my hair once a month.

The only other time I can remember using any other hair product was oil. And no, probably not an oil that was meant for my curls. On some occasions, after begging my mom to help me flat iron my hair, she would add this oil to my curls that she used on her hair to prevent heat damage. I remember this like it was yesterday. We would straighten it from completely curly, no blowing it out no nothing. A very simple three step process. Step one: take down bun, step two: add loads of oil (the more oil we add the straighter it might turn out), step 3: straighten with flat iron. After hours of smelling burning hair, I remember looking in the mirror feeling completely defeated as I was hoping to see straight hair like I see on my white friends. Nope not even close. It was a thick, poofy sorta straight with broken, frizzy and frayed ends, with semi-curly roots (because I fussed about my mom getting too close to my scalp with the hot flat iron). There wasn’t a whole lot of movement to it like I was expecting. I thought I would be able to flip it and toss it around and run my fingers through it like natural straight hair, but I couldn’t even do that. I was so disappointed with it that not even an hour later I dunked my head in the sink to get my curls back. Obviously my mom was upset because it was always at least a 4 hour process to straighten my thick head of curls. But because I wasn’t satisfied with my straight hair, and I still wasn’t satisfied with my curls… bun it was.  

I remember this one time in middle school, I was feeling courageous, so I wore my hair down for the first time. I started the morning in the hallways with my curls still wet and tolerable. I always liked when my hair was wet. It looked healthier, longer and no frizz. As I waited for first period to begin, not even 10 minutes into the school day, and my classmates were already raking their fingers through my hair. I don’t know if I am remembering this as a traumatic moment, but I felt crowded. My classmates were so amazed to see my hair down that they wouldn’t leave me alone about it. And I don’t mean the harmless compliments or being noticed more than usual, but literally being physically touched and pet to the point where my hair transformed from wet and tamed to frizzy and huge. I immediately threw my hair up in a bun, to avoid any more hands in my face. I just wanted to sink in the shadows and never be noticed again. That day marked the end of wearing my hair down ever again.

After a decade of wearing my hair in a bun I’m surprised I’m not bald. But after leaving for college, I finally embarked on my true hair journey. A new stage in my life surrounded by new people. I was able to start fresh…start over and become a new confident version of myself. I began trying new products that were specifically labeled with “curly” or “mixed- textured” or “mixed chicks” basically anything that wasn’t for the common caucasian straight/wavy hair. I started to find products that made my curls feel juicier, healthier, and more defined. I found that lighter oils such as argon, Moroccan, coconut, and jojoba, all hydrate my curls without weighing them down. I found that Jamaican black castor oil infused with a conditioner also worked wonders for my hair but not the raw oil itself which was too thick and heavy for what my curls needed. I started wearing silk and satin head scarves and bonnets to bed to protect my hair from breakage and frizz (I needed these a long time ago for those sleepovers). I trim my own hair at home to keep it healthy. I started experimenting with other hairstyles such as box braids, passion twists, heatless curls with curling rods, slicked back looks using eco gel. I began doing oil treatments using Carol’s Daughter’s goddess strength scalp and hair oil before wash day, and deep conditioning with Arvazallia Argan oil hair mask after washing. My new go-to products for my curl routine include my all time favorite Shea Moisture Jamaican Black Castor oil leave-in, Carols Daughter’s Born to Repair Defining Curl Cream, and Shea Moisture Manuka Honey and Yogurt Hydrate and Repair Curl Cream.

Although my journey with my hair didn’t begin like this. For a long time, I hated my curls rather than taking the time to listen to what they needed. After finally figuring out my hair, I now feel confident in my curls in its natural state and in any style I choose to wear it. I can say that I have finally embraced my hair. This is an ongoing journey for me and I will continue to try new things, love my curls and take care of them in the way they need. I will continue to share my struggles and also my breakthroughs with my curls in hopes that I will inspire others to take this journey of embracing and taking care of their hair. My one tip is if you are unhappy with your curls like I have been for the majority of my life, you just haven’t found the right products yet! I hope you embrace your natural hair and are proud to have curls and remember that you should never feel ashamed about your beautiful mess of hair.